Deathnote one shots
by whitetyger123
Summary: Just some random stories about Deathnote.  Rated T just in case.
1. The Closet

**The Closet**

Matt and Mello sat on the faded couch. Matt, playing his X-box, was pretty bored. He had already beaten this game twelve times, and he was two minutes away from beating it the thirteenth time. All he had to do now was beat the boss.

Mello was eating chocolate, so of course he wasn't at all bored. Since he had nothing else to do, he was eating it his favorite way; slowly. He would bite off half of one square, letting it roll around in his mouth till it melted. The he would eat the rest of the square. This way, he could have 24 bites of chocolate.

Unfortunately for Mello, this didn't change the fact that Matt had just beaten his game for the thirteenth time. Now, he needed something else to do. And, he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

He grabbed the chocolate bar from Mello, and ran in the room.

'Matt! What the hell?' Mello ran after his roommate. Matt was holding the door to the closet open. 'Where is it?'

'In the closet.'

'Really? No, that's too easy. What's the catch?'

'No catch. Just the closet.'

Mello glared at Matt for a moment, then cautiously stepped up to the closet. Matt didn't move, just stood with the door open.

When he got in the closet, he saw that his chocolate was actually in there. Taking no more time to eat it the way he enjoyed, Mello stuffed the whole thing into his mouth at once. But, when he turned around to leave, he bumped into something.

Matt had closed the door! 'Matt!!!!! I'm gonna kill you!!!!!!'

Ten minutes later, Matt opened the door. Mello burst out, and was instantly blinded by a flash of light. 'What the hell, Matt?'

Now, Matt had proof that _Mello came out of the closet!!!!!!!!!!!_


	2. French Fries

**French Fries**

Matt ran into his and Mello's room. In his hand was an advertisement.

'Mello! We _have_ to go!'

The blond looked at the paper. It was for some kind of outreach to people from other countries. He flung it on the ground. 'Why?'

Matt picked it up and pointed to the bottom. 'There's a show where the immigrants do something from their original countries. The top prize is a not even in stores, limited addition _game boy!_ Oh, and...'

Mello saw what the "and" was. 'A year's supply of _chocolate!_'

They registered as France. They had figured that would be easiest to fake.

It was the day of the show/contest thing.

They did a special kind of dance singing watchamacallit. It was absolutely horrible, but they sabotaged everyone else's. So, they won.

A girl about their age gave them the medals.

'Could you say something in French?'

They looked at each other. Neither one had played any attention in French class. But, they could fake it.

'Uh, bonjour. A la... poison. Um, oui oui.' Matt said the only French sentence he knew. 'Ou est le toilet?'

The girl smiled. 'That way.' She pointed to the side.

Matt and Mello looked confused, so she explained. 'You asked where the bathroom is. It's that way.'

'Oh! I mean... Oui! Uh, a la toilet!'


	3. Mello's HandyManedness

**Mello's Handy-manidness**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DN. I do, however, own the word Handy-manidness, because I made it up.**

Matt opened the door. 'Oh, hi landlady. How are you doing?'

A very loud crash came from the back. 'What was that?' The landlady asked.

'Mello's fixing the sink. He refused to call a plumber. Insisted that, oh how did he put it, that "It's just a sink. Any man that is a real man could do it". Yup, that's what he said.'

Behind Matt, the landlady saw an arc of water coming from the bathroom. 'Are you sure he will be all right?'

'Probably not.'

Mello came up to Matt, completely drenched with water. 'Hi, landlady.'

Matt smiled. 'How's the sink coming, Mello?'

'It's fine. But on a completely unrelated note, do you know where the towels are?'

After Matt gave him directions to the towels, Mello walked off. He came back a few seconds later. 'Also, I can't find the Band-Aids.'

'Why do you need Band-Aids?'

'Um, well, it's something that is essential for fixing the sink. Yes, they are so that, the uh, the, the sink doesn't crack. When you do, um, things related to fixing the sink. And, by a series of events that have absolutely nothing to do with me fixing the sink, you might want to look in the phone book for people that replace mirrors.'

'Right.'

The landlady left, and Matt looked for a mirror place. Finding one, he went to tell Mello. Before he could actually make it to the bathroom, Mello heard him coming and stepped outside the room and closed the door. 'What do you want?'

'I found a mirror place. I'm going to go over there and get a mirror.'

An hour later, Matt was walking back. As he crossed the street, he was almost hit by a plumber truck.

He got to the house and found Mello in the bathroom. The sink was amazingly fixed. It looked suspiciously professional. He remembered the plumber truck. Hm...


	4. If I got my hands on Light

If I got my hands on Light

**If I got my hands on Light**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Light, I am just talking about what I would do if he was in my custody for a few hours. And no, this is not a sex story. I am the farthest thing from Lights fangirl.**

The teen genius was tied to a chair in a dark room. How I got him there, I will not tell you. You wouldn't believe it if I did, so I won't bother. I held an empty bottle of pink hair die in my hand.

'What do you want?' He asked.

'What I want, is for you to look into this mirror.' I held a mirror up to him. He glanced at the reflection and screamed.

'What have I done to deserve something so cruel? Why pink? Why?' Apparently he didn't like his makeover. Not only did I die his hair pink, but I also cut it so he had a mullet. 'What do you want me to tell you?'

'Nothing. But I will tell you something; _I_ am justice!'

I could see him shudder. 'So, Kira, what do you think of that?'

'I don't know what you are talking about, I am not Kira.'

'Oh, so you prefer the name New L?'

'How do you...?'

'I know everything. I am justice.' I walked around him and smiled.

'Ok, what do you want? I'll tell you anything, anything.'

'I told you, Kira, I know everything already. Because I am justice.'

'Everything? Even...?'

'Yes, Raito, everything.'

'Surely not...'

'Even that.'

'How about the one weekend with the Vodka...?'

'Everything, New L, everything.' I looked closely at him. 'Pink really isn't your color.' I left the room. Let him sweat it out on his own for a bit.

I came back about ten minutes later with a man resembling a monkey. When L saw Light, he started laughing. Then, he took out a camera and took a picture. 'This is going straight on facebook.'

I decided that he had been tortured enough for one day. I only had one thing left to do.

The tattoo artist had been sworn to secrecy. He did exactly what I asked him to do.

When Light woke up the next morning, he found his hair pink and mullet-shaped, and a tattoo on his arm that said _Light NOT JUSTICE!!_


	5. Memories

Memories

**Memories**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DN**

The teen smiled as the black book was in his hands. He remembered, now. He remembered everything. His eyes grew to slits as...

...As the Death Note was yanked out of his hands, and his memories lost. His eyes were once again innocent orbs of pureness.

'L, why did you do that?' He asked innocently.

'I just wished to see if the pages were real paper. But, it seams that there is nothing wrong with them. So, I will give it back to you.'

The second it touched Lights hand, it all came back. 'I'll compare the names written here to the names of the victims.' His evil tone of voice was there, but for some reason L couldn't notice it.

It was amazing that Light could see the computer screen with his eyes so small, which is probably the reason that he didn't notice a hand reaching for the black book.

He was just an innocent teenager when the book left his hands. 'Hm, this is strange. Nothing happens to me when I touch it or let go of it. Does anything happen to you, Yagami-kun?' L held out the book.

'Well, of course nothing happens to...' He was once again washed with memories as he grabbed hold of the notebook. 'me.' He finished. His eyes were changing from evil to innocent so fast that it looked like he had a nervous twitch.

'You really should get your eyes checked, Yagami-kun. I have never seen you twitch like that before.'

'I will. But, Ryuuzaki, would you please let me do my work ad stop taking the notebook out of my hands?'

'What, like this?' And he once again turned Light innocent. Then evil. Then innocent again. Back to evil. Big eyes, small eyes. Nice Light, scary Light. Wants to be L's friend, wants to kill him.

Light has the notebook. 'WILL YOU...' Light doesn't have the notebook. 'please stop that. It is...' Light has the notebook. 'SO ANOYING! I COULD...' Light doesn't have the notebook. 'try to beat you at a nice game of chess.'

So, they played chess. In the end, Light won. But, he forgot why he needed the Death Note, and let L have it, because he was such a nice person.


	6. Everyone's a little gay

**Everyone's a Little Gay**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DN, nor do I own (thankfully) Romeo and Juliet, nor any other random things that might be mentioned here. Oh, and I'm totally sorry if Bush reads this. Please don't kill me with your nuclear weapons.**

Matt was playing a video game while he was supposed to be doing homework. He was playing a very sexy man that was talking to another sexy man. Mello looked over. 'Are they gay?'

'No. Not everyone is gay, Mello.'

'Come on, everyone's a little bit gay.'

'Oh ya? Prove it.'

'Ok, well there is you and me, for example.'

'Two people. Wow, amazing.'

'And then there is Romeo.'

'What?' Matt paused his game.

Mello went to his pile of homework and grabbed a copy of _Romeo and Juliet_. He opened it and looked for a page. Finding it, he read. "Mercutio - Nay, gentle Romeo, we must have you dance.

Romeo - Not I, believe me: you have dancing shoes,  
With nimble soles; I have a soul of lead  
So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.

Mercutio - You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings,  
And soar with them above a common bound.

Romeo - I am too sore enpierced with his shaft  
To soar with his light feathers; and so bound,  
I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe:  
Under love's heavy burden do I sink.'

Mello finished and looked to Matt. 'He said he was enpierced with Cupids shaft. How can that not mean that he's gay with Cupid? And Cupid is gay even without this evidence. Any guy who wears a diaper and tries hooking people up is obviously gay. And Mercutio obviously wants Romeo in the pants. He wanted to dance with him.'

'They're fictional characters, Mel. Doesn't count.'

'Ok, the President of the Untied States, then.' He went on Google Images and typed in George Bush gay. The first picture was George W Bush standing with one man on his knees in front of him, his hand apparently in his pants, and one smiling guy right behind him. I mean _right_ behind him. In the second picture, George Bush looked like he was having a romantic picnic with another gray-haired old man.

Matt looked at the pictures. 'Ok, what about Near?'

Mello laughed. Going on Deviantart, he typed in Near Yaoi. Instantly, tons of pictures popped up, almost all consisting of Near with Mello, Matt, or both. Mello scoffed. 'Need I say more?'

'Why would we do anything with Near? Mello, I can't believe you. How about L?'

Just as many pictures popped up with L Yaoi. Mostly they were with Light, but there were a few with Near or Mello. Matt was a little disgusted at that one. He was their idol!

'Ok, how about Ralph from _Lord of the Flies_?'

'Come on, a whole island full of boys? You don't need to be a genius to know what's going on behind the scenes there.'

'Fine Mello. I give up. Obviously everyone's a little gay.'

'Including your videogame characters.'

Matt rolled his eyes. It had all been to prove himself right. But, he was sure there had to be someone who wasn't gay. Someone had to be totally straight. But who?

A quick scan of all the guys he knew came up with no one. Maybe everyone _is_ a little gay...

**I'm sorry to any guys reading this if they now wonder if they are gay. That was not my intension. Actually, this whole story started because I wanted to have the Romeo thing be tied in with Death Note.**


	7. Hypnotized

**Hypnotized**

**Disclaimer: You are getting sleepy... very sleepy... your eyes are closing... I am now your master... I now own Death Note... and when I clap my hands, you will wake up and not remember any of this.**

**So, basically that is the only way I could ever own Death Note.**

**Inspiration for this story. At my work there is a guy that looks exactly like Near! So me and schoolgirl-cheesesculpture want to kidnap him and take him to an anime convention. But he acts nothing like Near, so we said we would have to hypnotize him. And, here we have a story!**

Matt was scanning the internet, looking for something remotely interesting. Eventually, he found a site and his lips curved into a smile. 'Hey, Mel, come check out this site.'

When his friend came over and started reading, his faced wore a similar smile to that of Matt's.

.oOo.

They crept into Near's room. He was still awake, obviously, considering he never slept. So he looked up when they entered.

Mello held up an ultra-new, super-cool, ultimate action figure tied on the end of a string. When he started waving it about slowly, Near's eyes followed.

'You are now getting sleepy, very sleepy. Your eyes are getting heavy, very heavy. You are now asleep.' Mello said while still waving the action figure.

'I am now asleep.' Near mumbled. His eyes were closed, and he actually looked hypnotized.

'Your name is no longer Near; your name is now Far.'

'My name is no longer Near; my name is now Far.' Near droned on. Or should I say Far?

'Your one desire in life is to wear all pink.'

'My one desire in life is to wear all pink.'

At this point, Matt and Mello were having trouble not laughing. Mello continued. 'You do not play with action figures. You play with Barbie's.'

'I do not play with action figures. I play with Barbie's.'

'You will always be second to Mello.'

Near was in his same hypnotized state as he replied, 'Fat chance.'


	8. Translator

**Translator**

**Disclaimer: I own only this idea. Everything else belongs to Ohba-sensei and Obata-sensei.**

**So, what if L couldn't speak Japanese? They would need a translator, wouldn't they? Whatever is written in bold (after this A/N) is Japanese, just to let you know.**

The task force walked in the apartment to find a man, about twenty years of age, with black hair and no shoes. 'I'm L.'

Soichiro Yagami looked at the other Japanese in the room, to see if any one of them understood English. They all shook their heads no. **'I'm sorry, but none of us can speak English.'** He said, hoping L would understand.

He simply raised an eyebrow. 'Since you spoke Japanese, there is a 78 percent chance that you do not speak English. Unfortunately, Japanese and Czech are the only languages I do not speak. But me telling you this is absolutely useless, since you have no idea what I am saying.'

The task force again looked around at each other. **'We should find a translator.' **Yagami said, running his fingers through his hair. **'Someone we can trust, who won't leak information. Who is defiantly not linked in any way to Kira. Hey, we could ask my son, Raito, to help us! He is very good at English! And he has no ties to Kira whatsoever, because he is my son!'**

So, in a form of demented sign language, they were pretty sure they got across what they were trying to say. After they left, L turned to Watari. 'They are going to get the moon so they can finish the third level in a video game? Why would they do that?'

.oOo.

The next day they returned with the not-related-to-Kira translator, Raito. When they entered, L was sitting in a chair, eating a cake with pink icing. 'I see you returned. Did you find the moon and finish the third level yet? And who is with you?'

Raito smiled. 'I will be your translator today. It is nice to meet you, L.'

'Please, call me Ryuuzaki, for safety's sake.'

Raito relayed the information, keeping in mind the fact that he had a lot of power right now. **'He wishes you to call him Ryuuzaki, because he doesn't want the aliens to know where he is.'**

Yagami gasped. **'Aliens? Is this man crazy? Raito, please don't tell him I said that. Make up something.'**

Raito nodded. 'He said you must be crazy, and why are you so paranoid?'

L put down his now-empty plate and ignored the question. 'Please, if you all sit down. I will have Watari bring you drinks.'

'**Ryuuzaki asked us to sit down, and that his servant can give us something to drink so he can give us truth serum.'**

Yagami gasped. **'Truth serum? Doesn't he trust us? Also, please don't tell him what I said.'**

'He said that you are very peculiar and is not sure if he wishes to do business with you.'

'Well, he doesn't have to. He can leave whenever he wants.'

'**He said that you have a funny mustache.'**

'**Tell him he sits funny!'**

'He will put up with your strangeness for now.' Raito's acting abilities were the only thing that kept him from smirking.

'That is good. Now, I have these special belts for all of you. If you push the button, it will send a message to Watari and we will know.'

'**He has very fashionable belts that he wants you all to wear, because you will all look so good in them.'**

'I believe Kira is a teen male, with a role model in some form of law, weather it be lawyer, police officer, or anything of this kind.' L told them.

'**He thinks Kira is a middle-aged woman, with three children and a dog. Probably stays at home. Her husband is most likely a mail-man.'**

.oOo.

A few weeks passed, in which the team amazingly stayed with L, but there was no advances on the Kira case. They had a very poor picture of L, just as he had a similarly bad picture of them. The only intelligent one seemed to be the translator.

At one session, L pointed to Raito. 'I am 32 percent sure that you are Kira!'

Raito translated. **'He is 32 percent sure that he likes me, and wants to date me because I am so sexually appealing.'**

'**Gasp! He can't hit on my son! Tell him that he is a pervert!'**

'My father disagrees with you. He wants to know your true name, or else this investigation will be over.'

'I will not tell him my name. You all may leave.'

'**He doesn't like being called a pervert. He told you all to leave.'**

So the task force left. Raito stayed. L stood up and put his arms around Raito. 'Finally, I thought they would never leave.' He said, right before leading Raito to his bedroom and giving him a prolonged kiss. 'My little translator.'


End file.
